Monday, May 17, 2010


Listening to someone bang on about future tattoo plans is easily the most boring shit on earth.

I love a good tattoo. We all do. In fact, I have been known to base entire crushes on the basis of boys having cute tattoos. It's just that, when cornered at a house party, the only thing more excruciating than a blow-by-blow symbol-by-symbol account of a near strangers "possible" idea for inking themselves is....well.... being hacked to death by rusty razor blades.

Or even worse, realising that that stranger is of the school of the "Deep Hidden Meaning" tattoo. Let me explain.

In the world of tattoo, it's plain to see two central schools of thought in action:

1. The "It's Cute, It's Fun, I Might As Well Get It" School.

This is the best. I once slept with a boy who had a tiny caricature of Mariah Carey on his upper thigh. Nothing beats giving head whilst staring into the hilariously large-headed face of your favourite '90s pop diva, I can tell you. My friend Luke has a little baby on each of his forearms, and "P.S I LOVE YOU" scrawled beside one of them. He said he saw it graffitied on a wall somewhere, thought it was cute so got it tatted...without realising (allegedly) that it is also the name of a feel-good Holiday Season Rom-Com starring Hillary Swank and Gerard Butler:

So Good! The reason this is the best way to view getting a tatt, is because the whole idea is to get something you like looking at, be it funny or sweet or just plain pretty.....

EXAMPLE: Marc Jacobs

(P.S I LOVE HIM...Look at that Bod???)

2. The "Deep Hidden Meaning" School .

I once met this enormous Bull-Dyke at a kick-back one sunday morning. According to her, she had this vision of getting (lol) a one-legged woman tattooed on her upper arm. Real Russian Sailor style. So far, so excellent. Then she boarded a flight to visit her mum in the UK. Apparently, over the duration of the flight, her mamma was involved in an accident where she, You Guessed it, LOST HER LEG. Now, I don't know if this is true. It could of been the MDMA. But fuck me, Noone cares. I do not want to see a full-length sleeve with a moray eel that represents your fathers fight with colon-cancer and a pioneer ship that shows your family's migration from potato famine-struck 19th century Ireland....

EXAMPLE: Angelina Jolie:

(the one on her left shoulder blade means: "May your enemies run far away from you.
If you acquire riches, may they remain yours always.
Your beauty will be that of Apsara. (a celestial dancer in Khmer mythology)
Wherever you may go, many will attend, serve and protect you, surrounding you on all sides"....CHUNDER!!!)

In short, a tattoo is just a pretty lil somethin on your skin. It doesn't need to retell the biblical trials of Sarah and the Red Tent. Trust me, I know. I've managed to follow every short-winded trend in ink of the early noughties, including japanese symbols and "Funky" stars....

My grandmother probably has the best tattoos out of anyone I know. A coloured crane on her hip and a nice itsy rose on her ankle. She's had them for forty years. They have always looked good. She has never regretted them. Why? She kept it simple. She got what looked good. Take a Leaf. Oh, and shut the fuck up about it yeah?


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