I had a conversation the other week, around dawn, with a dear friend who was going through some personal difficulties. It was the kind of talk where I found I needed to comfort her. I wanted to tell her that it would all be okay. That everything would work out.
Then I realised I didn't believe that to be true. The fact is, everyday life is woven with battle and a sink-or-swim desperation to keep one's head above water. Some battles are small and mundane, others take every iota of strength we can muster. And sometimes we lose those battles. But more often than not, we win, only because we have to.
History has shown us that, given the right circumstances, people are capable of anything. Horrible, terrible as well as beautiful things. Daily we hurt, beat, fuck around on, murder and actively seek to destroy one another. It's hard to forgive others, but in my experience, the hardest person to forgive (warning:cliche ahead) is ourselves.
But we must. We all do things we shoudn't, say things we ought not to, are inappropriate and vulgar and selfish and cruel. I've certainly done things I would not be able to forgive others of. it's important to accept however, that our reactions and responses to situations are in fact unique. There are a million factors at play impacting on how we act and what we say, and there is no calculating what another has gone through in their life to make them act the way they do.
So no, I couldn't tell her that one day everything would be fine. But I could tell her what I know: That one day, I will wake up in the morning, and that will be the last day of my life, and after that....Who knows? I reckon probably an eternity of blissful nothingness, away from struggle and pain. You know what? Don't call me suicidal, but that sounds like heaven to me.
And how do we deal with this endless fight to live our lives? Well, for starters, I get up in the morning. I look in the mirror. I try not to dwell on the past and the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt and the people who've hurt me. I congratulate myself for trying my damndest to be the person I think I should be, and try like hell to let go of things I've done that I shouldn't of.
I put on a fabulous outfit. I smoke a cigarette. And I wonder what shit I'll have to rise to challenge that day. Because there's always something. But one day they'll be nothing. And Fuck.....You can only do your best.....